> Recent Entries
> Archive
> Friends
> User Info
> previous 20 entries

February 5th, 2007

(Leave a comment)

April 28th, 2006

01:59 pm - bye! I'm thinking that I won't be using livejournal anymore to do the whole blogging thing...oh well. I'm on myspace now, and I'll be there until that starts to get boring to the world...then I'll probably go somewhere else...see ya later! Current Mood: indifferent

(Leave a comment)

April 26th, 2006

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

April 11th, 2006

12:27 pm - grrrr When am I going to stop being such a loser? Current Mood: crappy

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

April 7th, 2006

12:12 pm - ugh Isn't it weird how your body can be exhausted and rejuvenated at the same time? Let me see if I can describe how I'm feeling. My legs hurt, my back hurts, my hips hurt...my muscles everywhere hurt. But I feel so clean and relaxed. I guess all those internal systems that make my body work feel rejuvenated. Intersting. I love yoga...AFTER I'm done with it. During it...well, basically my butt gets kicked...and kicked...and.....kicked.... I'm slightly aggravated at having to pay for school. I don't know why, that's just how it is. I was spoiled with TOPS and my Honors College scholarships in my undergrad. Grad school...let's see...I've learned that I don't know ANYTHING, I've learned that I don't know how to pronounce anything, I've learned that I need a break from flute...and WHY did I have to pay money for THAT? All the things that I've learned (that actually matter to me) while being up here have nothing to do with actually being a student seeking a master of music degree. Nope...stinks. I hope one day I'll be able to say this time was worth it. Even so, I'm not in a bad mood. Bet you couldn't tell. Yesterday was kind of funny. Giggle fest in band. I'll tell some of you about it whether or not you care to hear it. Today I'm going to sub in orchestra, go home for awhile, get ready for a little flute concert, have a little flute concert, then hang out with....we'll see. Yup. P.S. Go to Lauren's myspace and push the red button. Current Mood: weird

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

April 4th, 2006

03:43 pm - pilates and yoga I'm going to go to both the pilates and yoga classes tonight. I'm pretty excited about actually doing some form of exercise because it feels so great after the fact! Not much to talk about. Just counting down the days until I can go home. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to that! Current Mood: awake

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

March 22nd, 2006

12:02 pm - pilates Ugh...pilates class last night...it was great, but boy there are muscles in my body that I didn't know existed. And you know what? I NEVER use them! I think I've finally found a type of exercise that I like. Yup, yoga and pilates. Woohoo. Well, I've been liking pilates, but I never get in a routine with it. Life without research and bib is nice. Life without pressure of a recital is nice. Life away from Kansas City will be even better! Current Mood: calm

(Leave a comment)

March 16th, 2006

03:37 pm - refreshed! I attended a yoga class for the first time ever this morning. It was the kind where it's VERY hot in the room and you sweat like crazy, but it was pretty cool. I feel so much more flexible and relaxed. Also, with all the sweating, I feel like my system has been cleaned out and I feel refreshed. Somehow, at the same time, I feel happily tired. It's great. I think this is something I'd like to do for a LONG time. So, yesterday was crazy. I pretty much lost it. I'm feeling disappointed with myself this semester because I've had to cancel my recital AND I'm about to have to drop my research and bib class. It really makes me feel like an unintelligent person. Hopefully I'll get over that by the end of the semester. My life has been consumed with recital preparations and the research and bib class, so I feel rather strange that both are out of my life at the same time. It's disappointing because I feel as if I "couldn't hack it" and that stinks. I've never had this kind of problem before. But I'm still going to have recital type performances. It's going to be great! I MAY have up to three joint recitals to do before the end of the semester. We'll see how that goes. In the meantime, I feel great because I actually did something good for my body! Current Mood: rejuvenated

(Leave a comment)

March 1st, 2006

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

11:11 am - TORN I just don't know what to think!!!! My former flute teacher sent me an encouraging email about how I could potentially have a great a wonderful career! Ugh! Why don't the things that I want in my life line up? I just don't understand! It seems like it has to be one or the other. Music OR family. It can't be both. I just don't know how I'm going to line both of these things up. Maybe I do have something to offer, I don't know. But if I'm going to have a family I'll never know. Sometimes I wish I really sucked at the flute that way I wouldn't have to feel bad about giving it up. Right now my heart is not in it, and I feel hurt by what my current flute teacher is saying to me about things I can't control, but I know if I give it up I will miss it. I just don't know what to do and it sucks being in this situation. Ugh, and I can't say what I'm really thinking. The things that I want just aren't lining up for me and I just don't see how it will ever happen. I'm going to have to let something go. SUCKS!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Current Mood: discontent

(Leave a comment)

February 27th, 2006

03:48 pm - beautiful day It's so beautiful outside! The sun is shining; the air is cool...the wind is blowing slightly! The hardest part of Research and Bib. is over. I don't know if I'm going to continue going to school hear next year...too many issues... Current Mood: cheerful

(Leave a comment)

February 3rd, 2006

10:17 am - your arm fell off....sooo....give us five business days! So, certain insurance companies automatically drop kids off their parents' plans when they reach the age of 21. However, full-time students are eligible to stay on their parents' plans until the age of 25. Of course you have to verify that you are a student. Now, when they drop you, they don't TELL you that you have been dropped. This is how you find out. First, put yourself in a situation where you would NEED insurance, second, go to the hospital, pharmacy, etc. and finally hear that your insurance has been terminated. Wonderful! "Hey! Your arm has fallen off! Well, give us a transcript and this and that and wait five business days (I'm making the waiting part up, because I actually don't know how long you have to wait) and THEN we'll take care of that arm for you! Okay?" UGH!!! Current Mood: cranky

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

February 1st, 2006

05:49 pm - yay! Oh what sweet relief!!!!!!!! I'm stalling, yet again, and for what class? None other than the infamous Reseach and Bibliography with Dr. Ackerly! I also need to listen to some violin recordings of the Dvorak Romance that I will perform for my recital. If only I had the luxury of more time to be a REAL performer. A performer who is able to research endless facts about my piece. A performer who comes across ORIGINAL manuscripts of the pieces I perform. One day, when I'm not enrolled in school, I will become a true performer. Dr. Posses wasn't happy with my lack of preparation for my lesson today. Neither was I. It wasn't my PLAYING that she had a problem with. It was my lack of listening to violinists perform the piece I was working on. But it's good that she's MAKING me do this. I honestly meant to, but it wasn't very high on the list of priorities. April 4th is the day! Current Mood: relieved

(Leave a comment)

January 30th, 2006

11:09 am - eek!!! EEEEKKKKK!!!!!! I can't calm down. Current Mood: scared

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

January 26th, 2006

12:10 pm - not feeling all that great After having a dream about my teeth falling out, AGAIN,I woke up feeling sick. My jaw aches too, so I must have slept with my jaw clenched all night. My throat aches, but it's not the usual sore throat. It hurts to take a deep breath in. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I hope it's not what Lauren and now Kristina had/have. I didn't enjoy flute quartet this morning. I really wasn't on. I felt as if I wasn't blending with the group with my tempo and rhythm. Other than that, life is good. Yesterday, I was able to finish the reseach/bib assignment that's due tomorrow. But don't worry, there's SO much more. I'm just a tad aheard of the game, but not much. Institute is tonight and I'm looking forward to that. Current Mood: sick

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

January 23rd, 2006

07:44 pm - stalling I'm stalling. Today was the first meeting of the flute orchestral excerpts class, and I'll have to be honest---it wasn't too bad. Actually, it wasn't bad at all. Probably because Dr. Posses is working on her fourth day without sleep and she's just too tired to care. How does one go FOUR DAYS without sleep? No naps either? I'd be the crankiest person in the world. Even if I'm an hour late going to bed, I'm cranky for that hour. Boo! Current Mood: busy

(1 comment | Leave a comment)

January 17th, 2006

05:45 pm - disappointed I am very disappointed with my performance at the concerto/ario preliminaries today. I'm also disappointed because I didn't get to finish my piece, and I had to stop at a very awkward place. BOO! In a way, I feel like practicing, but in a way, I don't feel like practicing. It's a very strange feeling. I slept WAY too long last night. I really need to figure out what is the best amount of sleep for me to get at night. Current Mood: disappointed

(Leave a comment)

January 11th, 2006

06:46 pm - Happy Birthday Mom! Today is my mom's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I got a cell phone Monday! Woohoo! Research and Bib is going to take over my life! I've started my semester like a human being and actually being productive. This just might be a great semester! Current Mood: accomplished

(Leave a comment)

January 3rd, 2006

07:43 pm - ummm....happy new year? Happy New Year! Woohoo! Current Mood: indifferent

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

December 30th, 2005

07:06 pm - issues Every few weeks I go through this mood of being unsatisfied with every accomplishment I've ever had. During this time I tend to focus on everything I'm not good at and put myself down for every mistake or failure I've ever experienced. Why is that? Why can't I be happy with what I have? During this time I question whether or not I made the right decision by going into music. People told me when I first got there, "You're not going to get a job! You're not going to get a job!! MEH MEH MEH!!!" And I just went my merry way doing whatever I wanted to do. Well, I guess they were right. I can't get a job with a Bachelor of Music degree. At least not a job in music. Having that degree doesn't make me a better flute player. What in the crap was I thinking? Why didn't anyone talk me out of it? Why is that degree even offered? No ONE should offer that degree because it's USELESS!! But, see, it was the music education majors that gave me grief about not getting a job, but the thing is, I have NO desire to be a band director. Ugh! Wait, let me rephrase that, it was the music education majors who couldn't hack it as music education majors and eventually either got pregnant, quit, or changed their major who told me I wouldn't get a job. Well, they're not getting one either. Okay, so that's fine and dandy that music education majors can get a job teaching band with their BMEd doing what they LOVE. I'd rather not do music at all than be a band director, but that's just my decision. So, anyway, all those people were right, which makes me mad, but my stupid pride got in the way. Oh, and at that time I loved what I was doing. So, right now, in the mood I'm in, I don't see how I can be a successful flute player AND have a family. Nope. Just don't see it at all. But I'm stuck here. I can't try and start a REAL major because I don't have any money for that. Because I've already gotten a degree, I don't qualify for pell grants. I don't think I'd be a priority scholarship candidate. So, it would be loans. Great....so I'd spend the rest of my life paying off student loans. Oh wait, no, if I become a stay-at-home mom one day (which at this moment REALLY doesn't appeal to me-but that's because, as you noticed, I'm in a horrible mood), I won't be able to work, because my husband will probably not want me to work. But is he going to want to pay my student loans? I don't think so. So then what? Ugh! So, I guess I can't get married. And it's really hard for me to explain to people what the big fuss about getting married is. How 'bout this to all the people who've been asking me what my big deal about getting married is, "Because I WANT to get married!" That's why. There are other reasons, but it boils down to I just plain and simply want to be married one day. No one said anything about it being tomorrow did they? No one said anything about it even being a year from now! Nothing is set in stone; just the fact that it's something I want to do. And I don't need to wait until I'm not an "emotional baby" anymore because me being who I am will never be perfectly "emotionally stable." In my 20s I'll be up and down, back and forth. In my 30s I'll think my body is falling apart and that I'm old. In my 40s I'll finally realize that I'm not REALLY falling apart, but then I'll start worrying that my KIDS are growing up too fast. Somewhere in there I just MIGHT experience the "mid-life crisis." In my 50s I may experience being an empty nester...and after that, I'll finally be wonderfully wise and emotionally grown up, but that's when the physical problems might kick in and therefore different emotional struggles. So where in there does it eem like the "Perfect" time to get married? And me being who I am, I always question my decisions. I NEVER know what I want, and I change my mind often. Why? Because that's ME! I don't think at some miracle age I'll finally stop doing that. *sigh Current Mood: aggravated

(Leave a comment)